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Dear Company that I recently did business with:

Why yes, I did recently give you money when you provided me with a goods/service. Since I did not immediately follow up by asking for my money back and throwing your goods back at you via UPS, could you please assume that I was satified with your service?

I am assaulted on every side by surveys, all asking if I can spend less than five minutes helping you improve your customer service.

No. I cannot. Or rather will no. I am not going to spend five minutes of my precious time doing your job for you. I get you need customer feedback, but do you really need it after every transaction with every customer? This is on top of product reviews that you try to bribe me to give (Enter a chance to win a gift card!!) All this does is make you come across as needy, like a girlfriend who constantly asks if these jeans make her look fat or a boyfriend who asks if the combover is working. Here’s the hint.

You know the answer already. Or you wouldn’t be asking.

Your customer service is probably workable, ie, people keep buying your product. Why not just get about the business of making a better product and stop sending me a daily survey. Besides your company, the company that does the billing for my utilities, my insurance agent, the restarant where I ordered take out, my cellphone provider, my internet provider and some random company that sends out surveys, I also am asked for feedback for every meeting and program I attend at work.

But the main thing is, no one really wants my opinion, not in these quantities. From now on, when I get a survey, I’m linking to this blog post.

Dear Company that I recently did business with:

You probably don’t suck.