(Just a reminder folks, this was written in 1986. Before the internet had pictures. Kind of like PC\’s before windows. Unix people lived in a linear world.)
Ok, now the standard disclaimer. The following information is provided ONLY for entertainment purposes. Some instructions are highly illegal and will get you a Darwin Award faster than you can say, \”Oh, I wasn\’t really supposed to DO this?\”
Keep the Driver Happy
\”FIFTEEN MINUTES!\” – vetern van driver S.Scott Travis, in response to the question, \”When are we going to get there?\”
Hi boys and girls! Today we\’re going to learn about van drivers. Van drivers are those insane saints who volunteer to drive us fun places like Colorado (fun), the Snook school, (fun, fun) and Houston at 5pm (we\’re having big fun now!!)
Since these people are already operating with fewer than normal brainwaves, it is very important that we do our part to help them keep the van on the road, or relatively close to it. Here are some rules for van riders.
Some rules are easy. We call these rules Common Courtesy.
1. Close all doors before the van enters the highway.
2. Talk to the driver every 20 minutes. Check pulse, blood pressure and respiration rate. If any of these are more than 50% above/below normal, it may be time to change drivers.
3. Resist the urge to offer creative ideas for shortcuts.
Some rules require more self-discipline. We call these rules \”only in your dreams\”
1. Refrain from asking the driver every 5 minutes questions like: When will we get tehre? When do we eat? When is the next reststop? Wailt at LEAST 7.5 minutes between questtions.
2. Do not remind the driver of the current speed laws every time the needle accidently creeps over 55mph. He can read.
Parts of the Van
\”THERE\’S NO SPARE TIRE!!\” – Jimmy Waller, Tunis, Texas, Halloween 1985
Windshield: (Ideally) A clear glass plate, allwoing the driver to look out ot the van while still protected from the elements. (Realistically) An opague, brown thing needing to be swept clear of bugs every thirty minutes.
Jack: A large metal contraption which wanders freely through the van, crushing food items and luggage. When needed for it\’s designated purpose, it burrows beneath the heaviest piece of luggage.
Spare Tire: 1. Removed to make more room for luggage.
2. stored on the outside of the van door, from where, upon sighting an old tire on the highway shoulder, it jumps off and rolls to the side of its soul mate.
Tires: 4 black objects, worn by the van. Hopefully all four are inflated to manufacturer\’s specifications. It is helpful if all 4 maintain contact with the road surface at all times.
Steering Wheel: Holds driver in place. May also be used to direct the vehicle in teh desired direction, or at least the general vicinity.
Heater/A.C: Climate control, operated by the navigator, who decides the temperature of the day. There is no comfortable, only too hot or too cold.
Stereo: A gift from the YL committee. Pull the fuse and pretend it\’s broken.
Packing the Van
\”Honest, Wayne, we only had 15 people, max!\” – Any Snook YL leader, after the blowout.
YL features the Ford Club Wagon as our favorite 15 passenger vehicle. Why? Naturally, because although there are seatbelts for 15, there is space for 31, if packed by a professional. You too can pack like a pro. Here\’s how:
Begin by seating large people in the rear seat. Try to get four or better, five, use shoe horns and lubricant, such as potato chip grease or sheen to glide them into place. These folks now effectively form seating for four more people. (Check the A/C rear units.) Repeat this procedure with the remaining bench seats.
Two people will occupy the front passenger seat, within the seatbelt. One small person is folded and placed within the space between teh front passenger seat and the glove compartment. Another fits conveniently between the two front bucket seats. Two more fit on the running board and one lucky soul occupies the driver\’s throne.
Congratulations! If you have done the above correctly, you have converted a 15 passenger vehicle to a 31 passenger vehicle.
Do not attempt this if:
You are traveling to Colorado or any other long distance.
Tires cannot pass the Lincoln Penny Test
A YL Area Director will be traveling with you.