In honor of my newest project, I am actually digging up something I wrote about twenty years ago. Basic Bus Hair was written and Kinko-ed to be a Christmas present for the folks I did Young Life with while going to college. I was a \”rural\” YL leader, which meant visiting the high school and going to YL club involved at least twenty to thirty minutes of highway driving, on the Highway of Death, as we call it now, a stretch of highway that cannot be widened because it\’s the habitat of some bizarre, bloom-every-fifty-years-for-an-hour, wild flower. Of course, maybe if we did destroy its habitat, we\’d find out that it is the only thing keeping Global Warming from accelerating, but that, my friends, is a topic for another book.
Point is, a lot of the stuff I wrote for Bus Hair, may come in handy for the new van thing, so I need to type it anyway, may as well type it here. Because twenty years ago, it was typed on a blue Royal portable. A Christmas gift from my parents.
So without further deviation, Basic Bus Hair – A Guide for the Ride, by A. Vanna Ryder.
Basic Bus Hair – An Introduction
\”Only your hairdresser will know for sure.\” Miss Clairol, 1967
Bus Hair. It\’s not a big issue these days. Everyone is talking about the impact of busing on the lives of children, but no one dares to talk about the effect that buses have on hair. It is a nasty, nappy business, one hairdressers won\’t talk about; one most writers get squeamish about. Since I cut my own hair, have an A in my creative writing class, and have traveled extensively on the Big Dog, I consider myself a leading expert on the touchy, or untouchable topic of Bus Hair. Well, at least the only person I know that has spent more than five minutes thinking about it.
And so I submit to you, a handbook on bus hair. Where to get it. How to get rid of it. How to enhance it. but this handbook will only mention bus hair once:
Bus hair is the affliction which causes your dirty, greasy hair to stand on end after being on a bus. The amount of time spent on the bus matters not. The only prevention: Don\’t get on the bus. The only cure: Shampoo. In Between: Invest in a hat.
Chapter One: Changing Drivers
\”I\’m not tired. I can go another 500 miles.\” Van Driver, 3:51 am. The accident occurred at 4:17 am.
Sometimes, drivers get restless. They are called exhausted drivers. Exhausted drivers are bad drivers. They weave, they change lanes without looking. They sleep, they crash. Boo!!
Fresh drivers are Happy Drivers. Happy Drivers are alert. Happy Drivers are aware. Happy drivers are generally more fun to be around and a heck of a lot safer. YEA!!
Sometimes, a tired, used up driver must be replaced by a fresh driver. Fresh drivers may be found in a variety of places. They mat be sleeping in the back of the van. The may be riding on another van in the caravan. Perhaps one can be found hitchhiking along the highway. In a crisis, any will do.
Guidelines for new drivers:
1. Never change drivers in a moving vehicle, unless directed to do so by the trail boss.
2. Choose replacement drivers carefully. Preferably those with:
a. current drivers license.
b. defensive driver\’s card, or the Sears Safe Driver Card (free to anyone 5 or older at any participating Sears Store) (**2006 note. This certification is now available on the internet and any fine On Line driving school or university)
c. Small Seeing Eye dog, since up front space is limited.
3. It may also be necessary to replace the navigator. The navigator is the peron who occupies the front passenger seat. His job includes climate control, music selection and volume, communication with other vehicles via CB radio (2006 note, cell phones, now) and, most importantly, to announce loudly, \”YOU MISSED THE EXIT!!\” at the appropriate time.
More exciting adventures tomorrow, when we will learn about Keeping the Driver Happy and the Parts of the Van.